Ranking The Padres Players Weekend Nicknames

The MLB is putting on their first-ever Players Weekend, featuring unique jerseys for all 30 teams- the Padres iteration of which is proudly displayed at the top of this article.

I think we can all agree that normally, the Padres uniforms are painfully boring, so this is a nice change of pace.... these are certainly anything but boring.

Are they good jerseys? Eh..... not really. I'm no fashionista, but the blue and yellow definitely clashes, and they're concerningly identical to what the Brewers will roll out for Players Weekend. 

But they're certainly not boring. And historically, "not boring" has been in very short supply for this franchise over its history. So... all things considered, even though the color of the yellow hats have an unsettling resemblance to urine (could you imagine those with an all brown jersey? lol #poop #jokes), I feel pretty good about how these uniforms look.

Now, I know you may be thinking to yourself, "Well, those jerseys are great and all... but what does this have to do with the actual players? It IS Players Weekend, after all."- well, I'm glad you asked.

The other fun part about Players Weekend is that the players get to choose a nickname to wear on the back of these jerseys- so in a break from my usual armchair-GM content, I'll be ranking the 23 nicknames that each Padre player chose.

Let's begin with the worst of the worst:

#23-16: All The Players With No Nickname At All (Wil Myers, Carlos Asuaje, Matt Szczur, Hector Sanchez, Miguel Diaz, Clayton Richard, Luis Perdomo, Jarred Cosart)

You know what I said about the top about the Padres being a historically boring franchise? These eight that chose to use just their regular freakin' last names (which is sadly tied for the most abstentions of any team in the Majors) exemplify why that reputation has persisted about the team for nearly 50 years.

However, no player on this list missed a greater opportunity than Matt Szczur (to the uninitiated, you pronounce his name like "Caesar")- I would've totally bought a "Hail Szczur" jersey.

#15-12: Froe, Spangy, Hedgey, Kirbs (Hunter Renfroe, Cory Spangenberg, Austin Hedges, Kirby Yates)

Look... I know some of you may disagree with me- especially seeing as these are the actual nicknames that most Padre fans call these players.

As we'll get to later, there is one exception to this, but man, tacking a "-Y" on to your shortened last name (or just cutting it in half) is almost as boring as not choosing a name at all.


#11: Three-Six (Jered Weaver)*

Okay first, Jered Weaver is still on the roster?

Second, three-six?

As much as I'd like to think its what he'd like his win-loss record this season to be, it's a nod to the number 36 that he wore in his best seasons with the Angels, which, if you think about it, is kinda sad.

The glory days of almost pushing your fastball to the low-nineties are gone forever, Jared! If he had shown some self-awareness and choose "83 MPH", or "-1.0 WAR" as his nickname, he'd be at the top of this list. He'd probably have the greatest nickname in the entirety of Players Weekend.

But alas, Weaver will now instead be known for having the greatest missed opportunity to choose a cool nickname of any player in the game. Sad!

*(author's note: as i was writing this, jered weaver announced his retirement from baseball, so we won't be seeing this jersey. this would've been more of a shame if he had actually picked "83 MPH" as i suggested, though)

#10-7: Pituki, Coso, Yoandry, Trig (Yangervis Solarte, Allen Cordoba, Manuel Margot, Craig Stammen)

I have no idea what any of these nicknames mean.... but hey, maybe Craig Stammen was lovingly called "Trig" by all of his friends throughout high school, or something.

Players Weekend is a celebration of the players, after all. These aren't that funny or interesting, but if "Pituki" holds some special meaning to Yangervis Solarte, more power to him.

#6: Bird (Christian Friedrich)

Much like Jered Weaver, I forgot Christian Friedrich was on the Padres.

Much like the folks ranked just above him, I have no idea what "Bird" means in relation to Christian Friedrich.

HOWEVER- Bird pairs too perfectly with the next entrant on this list...

#5: Quack (Kevin Quackenbush)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....... okay, so you might not find "Quack" that funny- it's just an offshoot of his actual last name, after all. But it's my list.

Besides, his beard looks like he could be a cast member of Duck Dynasty, and when paired with Christian Friedrich's "Bird" nickname..... how could you be blind to the comedic value in that?

#4: Churro (Luis Torrens)

I'm not ashamed to admit that I ranked Luis Torrens' "Churro" nickname this high because I looooove churros- and I'm glad to say that I now feel a certain brotherhood with Torrens knowing he shares my affinity for them.

#3: Makina (Jhoulys Chacin)

At first, I didn't know what "Makina" meant. I was going to lump Chacin in with the rest of the players who chose a more personal, esoteric nickname.

And then I googled Makina.

From Wikipedia:

"Mákina is a subgenre of hardcore techno, originating in Spain. Similar to UK hardcore, it includes elements of bouncy techno and hardtrance. The tempo ranges from 150 to 180 BPM."

LOL.

Admittedly, I don't know if Makina means something totally different to Jhoulys- but think about it:

Picture Chacin before the game, getting hyped to hardcore techno, of all things. Picture him on the mound, mentally hearing the beat from his favorite Makina-style song before delivering each pitch. And now, picture him owing all of his success this season to that pre-game/pitch routine. All because of hardcore techno. It's hilarious.

#2: Fred (Travis Jankowski)

I have many questions about this nickname- namely: who the hell is Fred?

But I'll answer that question with another question: does it really even matter?

Choosing a name like "Fred" for no apparent reason at all is a bold move... but man, Travis Jankowski could've picked "Steve" or "Bob" or "Matt"-  it doesn't matter.

It's just absurd enough to work spectacularly.

#1: Brotato (Brad Hand)

Brad Hand continues his All-Star season with an All-Star nickname choice- and this is the only jersey I would consider shelling out actual money for.

Is it sophomoric? Maybe.

But c'mon, don't lie to my face and tell me that you don't think this is a pretty fun nickname- this is exactly what Players Weekend is all about.

FUN! 

If you haven't really been paying attention, half the roster choose nicknames that were either (a) not nicknames at all, or (b) not very interesting. Either way, neither of those things are very fun. This Padres franchise, for the better part of this century, has not been very fun either.

You could make the argument that some of the nicknames chosen by certain players, and perhaps the Padres organization as a whole, represent the antithesis of fun: boredom.

But Brad Hand has been the source of so much genuine fun this season- weather it came from watching him dominate the league's best in the All-Star game this year, or seeing him baffle an opposing team's batter with his devastating slider in the middle of a blowout.

I'd also be remiss if I didn't mention how much fun the endless list of Hand-related puns his presence on the roster has generated.

Brad Hand is an incredibly enjoyable player to watch on a team that has historically been bereft of them- and for that, he is well-deserving of the number one spot on this list.

MLB's Players Weekend is on August 25-27th.