This Team Makes Me Drink

Baseball is back, folks! This offseason was like the fourth season of Breaking Bad: we thought we would be getting constant breakneck action, but much of the time our domaine-craving minds became frustrated because it was much more slow and plodding than we desired.  However, this offseason was a masterclass in suspense: you'd be lying if you said you weren't on the edge of your seat most of the time, waiting for the next big shoe to drop. As the months and numerous thoughts of "finally-something's-gonna-happen-oh-wait-nevermind" ( Noah Syndegaard! Dallas Kuechel !! wtf is debt reduction ???? lmao we really signed  Ian Kinsler ? BROWN UNIFORMS !!!! DINNER WITH BRYCE HARPER IN VEGAS !!!!! ) passed, we all expected SOMETHING to happen, we just weren't sure what.  But thankfully, much like the Season 4 finale of Breaking Bad, our patience was rewarded when everything climaxed in an absolutely thrilling crescendo: by signing Manny Machado, the Pad...

ITS BEEN ONE WHOLE WEEK AND MANNY MACHADO IS STILL A PADRE AND REALITY DIDN'T COLLAPSE UPON ITSELF!!!!!!! *deeply inhales and exhales* I needed to get that out of my system. We're only .002% of the way through Machado's 10-year contract, and it's already been quite a week for the MLB since the Padres broke through baseball's  frozen hot stove. White Sox nation   is so incredibly salty about missing out on Machado that all of their kidneys have been collectively ruined. Baseball has a, uh, pitch clock now ? It's a thing for spring training at least, but the league has the ability to implement it unilaterally this season. Vice , which was the closest thing to a Baseball Movie™ at the Oscars this year (George W. Bush's fallback plan if he didn't win the 2000 presidential election was becoming MLB commissioner, according to the movie) was shut out of the major awards categories. Bryce Harper, despite some vague rumors th...